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GOD DAMN FACTOR

Venice is as romantic as Seville. That means you will feel like a squid, if you don't have a chick on your arm, as you walk or wade through Venice's roads and canals. Hopefully, you will be smart enough to have brought that girl you met in the French Riviera, and who, like you, is on her way to Greece. If you haven't runkled yet for lack of ambiance than you have come to the right place. Like Paris, Venice is organized (sort of) into districts and is divided in two by the Grand Canal. The unofficial center of the city is Piazza San Marco. Also like Paris, this city isn't cheap. So be careful with the cash. During the day check out the hordes of foreigner booty visiting places like the Accademia and Basilica dei Frari. The nightlife is how you may expect it to be in a quite, romantic city, very quiet and very romantic. Check out places off of the Campo della Maddalena or the Cannaregio and follow the noise.

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Venice, Italy

October 25, 2021

8.0

God Damn Factor

Venice is as romantic as Seville. That means you will feel like a squid, if you don't have a chick on your arm, as you walk or wade through Venice's roads and canals. Hopefully, you will be smart enough to have brought that girl you met in the French Riviera, and who, like you, is on her way to Greece. If you haven't runkled yet for lack of ambiance than you have come to the right place. Like Paris, Venice is organized (sort of) into districts and is divided in two by the Grand Canal. The unofficial center of the city is Piazza San Marco. Also like Paris, this city isn't cheap. So be careful with the cash. During the day check out the hordes of foreigner booty visiting places like the Accademia and Basilica dei Frari. The nightlife is how you may expect it to be in a quite, romantic city, very quiet and very romantic. Check out places off of the Campo della Maddalena or the Cannaregio and follow the noise.

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Ibiza, Spain

November 9, 2021

9.5

The Doctor

Ibiza is a summer island paradise for those who can afford it. This is the vacation playground for the "who's who" of Europe. Beautiful women, beautiful beaches, but hella expensive. The average coverage charge at most clubs on this island approaches $50US, but it may be worth the cost and the ferry ride from the mainland just for the women.

Picture this: you're on the beach, and this rich, little Spanish girl with the ass of your dreams and the attitude of your nightmares is blowing you off. So you turn around and almost bump your head into the breast of the biggest, hottest Swedish chick you've ever seen. You turn around again and there is a group of Italians in their G-strings. This place is unbelievable. But let me warn you. Know somebody, dress well, look good in a bathing suit and bring lots of cash.

You have got to take a ferry from mainland cities such as Barcelona or Valencia to get here. If miss your ferry on the way from the Costa del Sol and have to hang out in Valencia for a night, you may be able to check out some great nightlife in the Carme District and the Avenida Blasco Ibanez, especially District 10 on Calle General Elio and Parabola on Calle Gorgos. But as in Seville, this city is a lot more fun during the academic year when school is in session.

Ibiza has two main sections, Eivissa and San Antonio. Thankfully, the name is all it shares with the boring American city of the same name. Eivissa is mostly frequented by the Spanish and Mediterranean types who keep the discos in business all night, while San Antonio has mostly English and Northern European types who keep companies that make sunscreen in business all day.

In Ibiza, as in any foreign city you visit, women should be the first priority. Here is a typical schedule in Ibiza: head to the beach from 1-5pm, eat and shop from 5-9pm, drink at the bars from 10-2am, hit the discos from 2-6am and then sleep 'til the afternoon.

Realize that the women here like to dance and hook up, so don't be shy.

To save some money and find out where to party, stay at the Hostel Residencia Sol y Brisa on Avenue Bartomeu and Romonara. It's cheap, clean, and next to the port. Head to the all-American favorites like Pizza Hut and Burger King, if you still want to have money to party with at the end of the day.

The best beach by far is Platja de Ses Figures, where you will find lots of hot, sunbathing women as its name would imply, along with plenty of sun and sand to go around. Platja de Figueretes, Platja des Duros and Platja de Talamanca aren't too bad either, but there's usually not as many girls there.

The best places to go for nightlife are around the marina and the Calle Major. Try the Zoo and Tango on Placa de Antonio Riguer or Bar Galerie and Exis on Calle de la Virgen. After 2 am head to the Eivissa. They advertise their clubs from 10 pm to 2 am and offer discounts on admission and drinks for the thrifty partygoer. Pacha on Perimetral and El Divino are the best but go there early if you want to get in. Head to Privilege on Urbanizacion San Raphael in San Antonio later as this club is simply the best Ibiza has to offer. Foam parties and nakedness are big here, so too are the breasts of many of the women from Holland, Sweden, England, France, and Switzerland who frequent this Spanish hotspot in the summertime.

Don't neglect to check out the Spanish island of Mallorca if you have the chance. It's a lot less expensive than Ibiza, and the people here are a little more down to earth, but it's nowhere near as crazy as the island further north. The Terreno district in Mallorca rocks in the summer months from July to August. Palma is where you go to check out all the foreign, freshly tanned booty shopping for the perfect outfit to put it in. The best beaches here are Plama and Illetes. El Arenal isn't bad either, but there are many families.

Biarritz, France

November 1, 2021

9.5

The Doctor

The Basque Country extends from northern Spain into the southwest region of France and includes the city of Biarritz. I could rave for days about the beauty of this region, but I'll be brief here.

Biarritz is a cozy little beach town with some great surf to be conquered in its waters and some beautiful women to meet on its shores. This explains why so many California ex-pats have immigrated here.

The women here are just as beautiful as the Basques across the French border. Beautiful, friendly women, warm weather, and great nightlife. What more could you ask for?

Check out the bars and clubs on the Rue de Port Vieux, Rue Mazagran, and Avenue de Verdun and their side streets when night falls. You may never go home.

French Riviera, France

November 8, 2021

9

The Doctor

If beautiful women is what you're looking for, you'll definitely find it on the French Riviera in the cities of Monte Carlo, Nice, Marseille, and Cannes. If some French chick on the beach blows you off (and believe me, more often than not, she will), so what? There are plenty of other hot French chicks walking around. If you've got a good body to show up the French guys, you may get lucky. And believe me, it;s not hard to do! Most of these guys are Jean Claude van Dorks.

If you don't get lucky with the French girls then hopefully you will with some of the many other foreign tourists visiting the beaches of the French Riviera for their holiday.

There are other towns in the French Riviera which I don't mention, including St Raphael, Frejus, and Juan Les Pins. A visit to these cities may be worthwhile, if only for a day, especially Juan Les Pins.

Nice
Nice has the best nightlife of any of the cities in the French Riviera. A lot more tourists stay overnight in Nice, because day trips are possible to other towns on the Riviera, like Cannes and Monte Carlo, using Nice as a home base. The beach here is actually made of little pebbles, not sand, meaning there tend not to be many sunbathers out tanning their backsides.

The shopping districts are on Avenue Jean Medecin and Boulevard Gambetta. Stroll through the promenade des Anglais hoping to find that French girl you never did in Paris.

The nightlife centers in the Old Town (Vieux Nice). As in Spain, the price of admission to the clubs here usually includes your first drink. The best places to go early at night are Les 3 Diables on Saleya, Quartz Underground on rue de Congres, and Jonathans on rue de la Loge.

The best clubs in Nice include the Hot Spot on Cite du Pare and Metal City on Quai des Etats-Unis. As in Paris, reserve your rooms before you arrive, if visiting during the summer months.

Munich, Germany

November 10, 2021

7.5

The Doctor

The best time to be in Munich is during Octoberfest, not only to hit on beautiful German girls, but to hit on the beautiful foreign tourists who come here every year. Who knows why, but Octoberfest usually begins in September and lasts 16 days. The exact dates change year to year so be sure to check your calendar before planning your itinerary. But be forewarned. Drinking beer is mainly a guy thing to do, even during Octoberfest, or rather especially during Octoberfest, so don't expect loads of women lining up to be wooed by you - the ratios aren't great.

The Haufbrau tent is the best place to meet the chicas since you can actually walk around as you like with a beer in hand - something you can't do at some of the other tents, where they won't even serve you unless you are sitting at a table. Head to a club called the Hippodrome just a short stagger away, where the drunken go to party late at night, which for the Germans means until 1:00 am.

Surprisingly enough, this place looks like animal house meets Disneyland, since between all of the beer tents there are things like roller coasters and Ferris wheels to tempt the inebriated. It brought back memories of the very first time I got drunk. I was 13 years old. My buddies thought that it would be really funny to take me to the local playground, bounce me up and down on the see-saw and hang me upside-down on the monkey bars until I puked.

You don't have to come here during Octoberfest to drink beer. At any time there are loads of people who flock to the popular watering holes here in Munich. The best places to drink are the Lawenbrau Keller on Nymphenburgerstrabe and the Hofbrauhaus in the Am Platz. At the Hofbrauhaus, you'll probably have your best shot at meeting the hundreds of foreign tourists that are here in this city at any given time.

Personally, my favorite German brew is Augustiner. You can get some at their beer hall on Arnulfstrabe.

Much of the best nightlife centers around Leopoldstrabe. The university is located in Schwabing, a suburb of Munich located west of the Englischer Garden. For the guy in search of attractive German coeds, your best bet is to check around Munchener Freiheit. Nachtwerk on Landesbergerstrabe is probably the best club around here on the weekends. The largest club in Munich is actually an old airport, which was converted to a concert hall/dance club. It's called Flughafen Riem on Togingerstrabe, and it has three main sections, all of which can accommodate several thousand people. Right next to it is a club called Ultraschall which opens when the Reim closes, so if you're the kind of person who likes to party German-style, while the rest of the country is attending church, this is the place for you.

The Park Cafe on Sophienstrabe, like the one in Copenhagen, is pretty cool on the weekends for something more lowkey.

Utrecht, Netherlands

October 25, 2021

10

The Doctor

After Amsterdam and Rotterdam move onto the better university towns of Utrecht, Gronigen and Leiden. All of which are big university towns packed with beautiful and reasonable friendly Dutch chicks you have to stand on your toes to talk to. My favorite city in Holland by far is Utrecht. This place rocks in contrast to the "let's hang out and drink, talk and get stoned" mentality of the rest of Holland (save some good clubs in Amsterdam). There are some damn beautiful women here, mostly students and young professionals. The best bars and discos are situated down by the canal on Oudegracht Weerdzijde and Ouderkhof. The Shira and Sheeva Clubs here are perennial favorites, which are absolutely packed on the weekends. Like in Spain, every girl is smokin' hot, dressed well and is debunking every conceivable gravitational theory known to man, out there shaking them things on the dance floor. Wu! There is also a huge mall that is actually part of the central train station just west of here where you can scam during the day. The university is actually way out in the boon docks surrounded by farm country. Don't bother unless you are going to stay for a while. Unfortunately, the only youth hostel in this town is also way the hell out here. By you never know. You may get lucky and take a roll in the hay with one of the many fine farm girls turned collegiate coeds who are so numerous out there! The thing that struck me about this town was that fact that I had never seen more squids with gorgeous women for girlfriends anywhere else in my entire life. I met this 15-year-old Turkish kid who showed me around town one night. (The Turks are damn hospitable people by the way.) He brought me to all the good clubs, introduced me to his friends and took it upon himself to make sure that I had a good time, which of course meant I had to get runkled by one of the local chicks. We went through many gorgeous candidates that night or more accurately that morning, all of whom were eventually joined by their boyfriends who looked like they (had they lived anywhere else on Earth) should feel lucky just to masturbate while fantasizing about girls who looked this good. My new buddy, Amir, facilitated all interactions with the females out that night by making the first move on all sorties in my name. He arranged back-up, took care of many would-be Mother Theresa's guarding the entrances to their beautiful friends and also talked me up like a champion copilot. Thankfully, we met several worthy, unattached Amazon-sized, Zeena types, one of which decided to step up to the plate and make my decision of who to runkle an easy one. But hooking up with her meant that I would miss the last bus back to that damn youth hostel! Amir said, "No problem my friend!" At 4:30 in the morning, this kid rode his bike two miles out of town, picked up my stuff at the youth hostel and pedaled three miles to this chick's apartment to drop it off. It took him about an hour. He even waited patiently outside the door until the squealing stopped, mine— not hers. Remember how big these girls are. Now that my friends, is a wingman! The best time to visit is on the weekend during the school year. But there will always be plenty of booty around no mater when you visit, as there are also a ton of young professionals working in Utrecht year round.

Madrid, Spain

November 10, 2021

9.5

The Doctor

Now I'm the kind of guy who likes to save the best for last, but in this case, I'll make an exception. Spain is hands down one of the best countries for women in the entire world. Spanish women are beautiful, and every city in this country is full of them. Madrid, Seville, and Barcelona rock from autumn 'til spring, and the beaches of Ibiza and the Costa del Sol are crazy in the summertime. Each one of these places has its own personality and is very different. Thankfully, the one thing they have in common is being home to some damn fine chicas.

One thing to keep in mind: life is different here. The Spanish think of work as something they have to do to make money so that they can have fun when they're not working. When they get a pay raise, they cut back on their hours, so that they can have more time to enjoy themselves. Now that's a work ethic I can relate to!

Another thing to remember is that appearances are extremely important to the Spanish. You have got to look your best to do well here. That means for all you backpacking dudes, do some laundry before exploring the nightlife. Ditch the baseball cap and the Nike's, and wear long pants and decent shoes. Trust me on this one. This ain't Seattle, grunge boy! Your efforts will be well worth it.

The Spanish are definitely not shy about public displays of affection. Take a walk through Retiro Park, Madrid on a warm Saturday afternoon in the springtime. You can't walk ten feet without stepping on some Spanish couple making out hot and heavy. Some of these couples stay there and make out for hours and hours. Muchas pelotas azules [blue balls], aycaramba!).

Spanish girls are not the easiest girls to hook up with. Traditionally, they are very strictly Catholic, but the attitudes towards sex are changing, slowly. Spain, like some other European countries, has an awesome tradition which other places, like the US, Australia, and Asia, don't - members of the opposite sex kiss each other when they meet. This is a good thing, a very good thing. So while in Spain, so as not to seem like an idiot, the way you carry out a proper Spanish kiss is as follows: kiss her right cheek and then her left at such an angle that she can kiss you too. Make it seem familiar and natural to you. When I asked a Spanish girl why the Spanish kiss each cheek, she said to me, "That's so one cheek won't be jealous of the other!" A perfect answer, if I ever heard one. As is obvious with this example, the Spanish don't ignore their sexuality, they celebrate it. The rest of the world can learn an important lesson from them.

Madrid is unbelievable. It's a great party town. The people here just don't sleep, so while you're here do as the locals do and stay up - you can sleep when you're dead. This city reminds me of New York, but with better-looking women. It's big, there's loads of fun to be had, and the "city never sleeps". Unfortunately, some of the residents also have the attitude of New Yorkers. But with some effort on your part to be friendly, avoid seeming like an undesirable foreign tourist, and pulling out your high school Spanish, you're going to have a blast with the babes. Oddly enough, the one phrase I remember from high school, "Donde es la biblioteca, abuela [Where is the library, grandma?], never did get me any phone numbers.

A typical weekday for the residents of Madrid consists of getting up late, going to work or school, eating lunch, taking a siesta (very necessary in the summertime to avoid the scorching daytime heat), going back to work or school, then out for tapas (small dishes of food served at bars), then dinner, then out to the bars until around 2 am.

From Thursday 'til Sunday, the schedule is slightly modified. They'll take a nap after dinner, hit the bars around 12 am and the discos around 3 am, and then possibly after-hours clubs. That's right. I said 3 am! If they have to work the next day, they'll often just go straight from the clubs to work. This explains why the women who ride the subways in the morning oftentimes look like they just stepped off the pages of Vogue or Cosmo.

If you're actually awake during the day, check out Retiro Park, Puerta del Sol, Plaza de Santa Anna, Plaza Mayor, Placio Real, and the Prado Museum, which like the Louvre in Paris is packed with hot tourist booty, mostly from the US and Australia. Alternatively head to the shopping districts around the Calle Princesa and the Gran Via where you'll find the women shopping for even hotter outfits. Don't forget the local college girls at the University of Madrid in and around Arguelles and Moncloa. Higher education never looked so good!

The best places to go early evening are the streets off of the Plaza Mayor (especially Cuchilleros Street for its famed cave bars, which are cheap, cool, and fun), Puerta del Sol, and Plaza San Martin. The students hang out in the cheaper bars by the university, especially in Arguelles, Malasana, Chueca, and Bilboa.

Later on head to the many bars and clubs in Malasaria, Huertas, and Salamanca Districts. The names and decor change year to year, so just follow the noise or ask the locals. Try Revolver on Calle Galileo, Parador de la Moncloa on Calle Isaac Peral, Autores on Calle Campoamorum, Mykonos on Principe and Cerveceria Ratskeller, if you don't know where to start.

The discos are where everyone goes late at night, or more appropriately early in the morning. They are among the best in the entire world, as far as the quantity and quality of the patrons is concerned. Don't show up before 2 am or you will be alone sipping on $12 drinks to pass the time. The best of the best are Joy Eslava on Calle Arenal, Archy on Calle Marques de Riscal, and Club Andy Warhol's on Calle Luchana. Katmandu on Senores de Luzan, Aqualung on Paseo de la Ermita del Santa, Villa Rosa in Plaza de Santa Anna, Theatro Kapital on Calle Atocha, and Morocco on Calle Marques de Leganes are all close runner-ups. If you have a car or have access to one, check out Megacity, a huge club, which is actually outside the city limits on Centro Comercial Parque Corredor, and draws an enormous amount of people on the weekends.

Unlike other cities in Europe, it is better to stay at a hotel rather than a hostel, unless you are planning to hit on other tourists. The hotels here are generally inexpensive, and you will definitely get more for your money and a lot more privacy. Hotels anywhere around the Plaza Mayor or the Puerta del Sol will put you right in the middle of the action.

You can't go wrong visiting this country no matter what time of year it is, but be aware that things slow down just a tad in the summer months.